A VERY MICHAEL CHRISTMAS

CHRISTMAS EVE

12:31 : Get Christmas present from Dad. I want to save something to open on Christmas day, but I open it anyway. I already have it. Also receive £5 from my cousins.

12: 36 : Tearful farewell to Chaz

12:37 : Go back to bed and play DS for a few hours.

15:12 : Eat nutritious lunch of one (1) mini sausage roll. 

15:14 : Put on shoes and spend xmas fiver on booze. Bill drops one of my cans but I can’t remember which one.

15:20 : Have a shit with the door open listening to 1950’s drone music. Return to room to find the bass has shook several valuable items off my speaker shelf.

15:28 : Start to get dressed for work. Feel cold/empty.

15:33 : Can’t find my keys.

15:37 : Don’t worry, found them.

15:38 : Tuck £4 into my pocket to buy more booze on the way back from work. Maybe.

15:40 : Better head off, really.

15:43 : Notice sign outside the bowling ally warning me of the penalties of depriving my family of bowling fun this Christmas.  Think to myself that I would like to see some government backed statistics regarding the effects of bowling deprivation in developmental context.

15:47 : Saunter in. The signing on machine is broken, so we have to sign in with pen and paper. How archaic.

15:53 : Enter food court to gleeful shouts of festive fun. I feel at least 10 years older already.

16:45 : Take a toilet break. Some fool has blocked my favourite cubicle with a monster sized turd.

18:02 : We start to close food court early because no one is in.

18:07 : Three Million People come through the door.

18:18 : I explain to at least the 4th gentleman that we’ve taken off all the food prematurely, and there will be no xmas burger for him tonight.

18:27 : I serve a couple of posh, jailbait girls with braces coffee. Feel guilty for my impure thoughts when I see them take the drinks back to their grandparents.

19:29: Pregnant woman who looks unnervingly like a black version of Charlene’s sister orders large fries and  a latte. 

19:31 : I serve a gorgeous Chinese woman a milkshake. Despite the slight language barrier, she is by far the most pleasant and friendly customer I’ve had all night. This is obviously because she wants to shag me.

19:57 : I am free! I sign out and walk home. Luckily I pass no rude boys tonight.

20:02 : Get back and swipe a beer and a bottle of milk out the fridge, and take it upstairs.

20:24 : Open beer, stick on some sludge metal, and generally feel pretty good.

20:26 : Have another shit.

20:36 : Finish shitting. Smoke a fag.

20:57 : Realise Geoff’s is closed, and I have no food.

21:01 : Is Pete Postlethwate everywhere these days etc?

21:12 : Think about having an Ironic Wank to Calendar Girls. Maybe not.

21:15 : Start cooking a Pasta Meal that Joe would undoubtedly be proud of.

21:20 : Think about having an Angry Wank to My Family. Maybe not.

21:59 : Have a half hour chat with dad. Realise I won’t have the heart to tell him I already own the Luis Bunuel Box Set.

22:04 : Open second beer.

22:20 : Feeling rosy cheeked and sleepy watching Gavin and Stacy. 

22:29 :The door spontaneously makes a loud banging noise, leading to a gruelling 10 minute ghost/chav hunt.

22:54 : Eat rest of Chazbo’s fantastic chocolate and coffee cake. 

22:59 : Feel ill.

23:19 : Someone mentions Dagenham on Eastenders, to which I go “Yay, Dagenham”, and look round the room for approval.

00:13 : Seriously consider peeing into a can so as not to miss Russell Brand. Realise this is pathetic.

00:33 : Hear a police siren in the distance and spare a thought for the poor bastard in the car driving off to sort out whatever piss-up has gone awry.

00:39 : Open 6th beer.

00:42 : Put on 3rd jumper.

00:53 : Sing a song about how much I love Charlene.

00:54 : Sing a song about how much I love Christmas. 

00:56 : Am finding typing increasingly difficult. 

00:57 : Can’t take any more Alan Carr. 

00:58 : Stick on a live Khanate album.

01:00 : I hope no one’s in next door.

01:08 : Think about building a Shack downstairs.

01:10 : Smoke 14th fag. Realise I hate smoking, and that I even went as far as to chuck my fags away this morning. Charlene warned me against it. What a guiding light.

01:11: Remember fishing my fags out of the bin this afternoon and feel a bit sombre. 

01:13 : I’ve realised a lot this evening.

01:14 : Play you made me realise by My Bloody Valentine. I hope no one is in next door x 34.

01:17 : I have 635 minutes worth of music on my computer. And an absolutely enormous dick.

01:25 : Do a stupid dance to some PC98 music. I love arpeggios. 

01:27 : I fucking love video grahams. 

01:29 : Best Soundchips ever: PC98>Master System(Yup, controversial I know)Famicom>Gameboy>Megadrive.

01:31 : I am going to die alone.

01:39 : Frantic chiptune is making the whole house vibrate. Hopefully the police have better things to sort out.

01:41 : Fall up the stairs. Hurt my right foot.

01:43 : Smoke 15th fag.

01:48 : Drink water, drop water, head rush.

01:49 : 13th toilet break. Lock door behind me. Chuckle at the irony.

01:55 : God I’m fucking gorgeous.

02:07 : Sleepy man.

02:14 : Might be time to turn in.

02:21 : Try and play some DS in bed and fail miserably.

02:25 : Pass out.

CHRISTMAS DAY

08:23 : Wake up feeling awful.

09:54 : Wake up feeling awful.

10:17 : Wake up feeling awful.

11:27 : Wake up feeling alright. Decide that this is the best I’m going to feel and get up.

11:40 : Vile, evil beer shit yay.

12:09 : Fill water bottle. Wonder why no one’s phoned me yet.

12:13 : So fucking hungry, but I have nothing good to eat.

12:14 : And no one loves me.

12:30 : Mum and granddad phone me. Feel a twang of loss.

12:36 : Place both Luis Bunuel box sets alongside each other. Wonder how much I can sell it for.

13:36 : Get off phone from dad, my brothers, my sister and my step mum. My littlest brother has got a DS with a dinosaur game. He sounds positively delighted, and talks to me for all of 4 seconds before running off with it. My slightly elder brother discusses the differences between Disney Pixar, Pixar and DreamWorks films. He’s a Collins!

13:40 : Run up and down the stairs a few times.

14:14 : Get off the phone to Chaz. Oh, I’m popular today.

14:20 : Think about leaving the house. Play videogames instead.

15:12 : I’ve run out of cigarettes. 

15:15 : Consider the options for dinner. Egg and chips, more pasta, Kimchi soup, mould off the wall.

16:03 : Play Ikaruga on the Wii. Frustrated that I can’t use the classic controller. Or of course an arcade stick. Realise no one cares.

16:15 : It’s dark. Xmas is almost over and I have achieved nothing.

17:24 : Eat epic xmas dinner of chips, egg and bread. Lovely.

18:28 : Loll around upstairs. Realise I have an 8 hour shift tomorrow, and a ten hour shift the next day.

19:07 : Think about going to bed 5 hours early.

19:12 : Mum phones again. Starting to feel a bit hung-over. Should have gone for a walk earlier.

20:30 : Watch Wallace and Gromit. It’s pretty good.

20: 59 : Dad phones. Another half an hour. I’ve been on the phone for like 2 hours today. So much for being lonely. Dad says me and Chaz should go to Ireland and stay in a rented cottage down the road. Sounds pretty ace. He also says my brother is addicted to High School Musical. 

21:43 : Give up on the Royale Family. Too northern for me. 

21:48 : Really sleepy. Realise that I have no alarm clock, and thus there’s no guarantee of getting to work on time, or at all.

22:00 : Spend a while reading about meth addiction on Wikipedia. 

22:11 : Stick on some electro house in a last ditch attempt to get happy.

23:00 : Go downstairs, eat chocolate.

00:22 : Retire to bed with snooty music magazine and a general world weary attitude.

00:24 : Use DS as alarm clock. What a nifty device altogether.

01:36 : Hear woman screaming in terror outside, and a revving car cutting short her screams. Lol.

02:10 : Still awake, thinking about Chaz coming back tomorrow (kinda)

BOXING DAY

08:25 : Wake up, thinking I’ve overslept. Fall asleep instantly.

10:30 : Tinny DS speakers somehow wake me up.

11:04 : Drag self out of bed.

11:20 : Hearty breakfast of bran flakes and water. Feel a bit ill.

11:40 : Realise I have beans on my work trousers. Too late to do anything about it now. Yawn.

11:54 : Sign in for work on fixed machine. Will be getting £11:40ish an hour today, so make special effort to look busy.

13:45 : Showcase is laughably dead. Someone else volunteers to go home, the fool.

17:04 : Eat hearty lunch of chips and coleslaw and Sprite. Not too shabby.

17:35 : Play Hangman for an hour or so. Someone else goes home instead of me. This is looking good.

19:58 : Boring day is mercifully over, and goes by just like that. Pocket just over £90 before tax for really not doing much at all.

20:14 : Have a foul, fibre assisted shit. Remember every four seconds that I’m working the same shift tomorrow, but with two hours extra on the end. I guess they’ll send me home early, which is fine by me.

20:30 : Wonder what I’ll cook for dinner. Feel pretty nauseous.

20:33 : Remember it’s Tim’s birthday today. Happy birthday Tim.

20:49 : Check my phone. Turns out Chaz is arriving at 10am tomorrow, so I’m going to have to get up early. Bah.

21:24 : Really have to eat something, but frankly can’t be bothered.

21:47 : I don’t want to go to work tomorrow D:

22:00 : Bran flakes for dinner.

22:32 : Moar Bran flakes

23:23 : Emerge from cleansing shower waters as a new man.

23:55 : Slink off to bed, hoping that tomorrow goes quickly, quickly…